


Superhero

by Littlevera



Category: The OC
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-25
Updated: 2011-11-25
Packaged: 2017-10-26 12:51:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/283339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Littlevera/pseuds/Littlevera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone needs a superhero.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Superhero

Seth gets that, he does. Personally, he’s prone to the lycra-clad, superpowered kind within the pages of his comics. If pressed, and by that he means upon the pain of death, he’s willing to admit his dad is way up there next to Superman or rather Batman if you wanted to be species specific. The most important reason for that would be Ryan. His current *boyfriend*, though there hasn’t been anyone before him and Seth is content to stick with him for good. *Boyfriend*, and yes, that still makes him giggle when he’s alone and he thinks *boyfriend*

Ryan though, despite being wonderfully human, definitely has the superhero look. Clean cut, All-American good looks with a body that could actually fit into a lycra suit and look good. And yes, that has been a source of pride for Seth, namely when they’re naked in bed. Also in true Batman form, he’s got the brooding part down to an art form. Seth has been trying for months to get used to the brooding on a ‘boyfriend’ level. Lois Lane did and more importantly, Dick Grayson did, while managing to get some of his own brooding done. But neither Dick nor Lois had to deal with Marissa Cooper. Lex Luthor and Two-Face were definitely *not* Marissa Cooper.

It would be easier if she were just plain evil, but people, namely Ryan and his mom and dad, are prone to using Newport-correct words like ‘troubled’ and ‘vulnerable’ when describing her. Seth would go for ‘alcoholic’ and ‘out of her mind’ but those words will never actually pass his lips in Ryan’s presence or Julie Cooper’s. He does know better than to think their coming out of the closet in Newport society got her started again. Summer, for one, is sure it never actually stopped. On hiatus, maybe, but spiked lattes in the morning are apparently the only way to start the day.

Seth snorts, looks up quickly to see if Ryan has heard him. Instead, Ryan is focused on the computer screen in front of him. It’s the last of their college applications. They’re both of the opinion that more applications are the way to go, but there comes a time where enough is enough. Seth has it on good authority – namely Summer – that Marissa is applying to schools out of state, which is why he’s hoping for USC, or *any* university that isn’t near her. That way she isn’t always around, intent on ‘being friends’. That way she won’t be calling Ryan ‘just to talk’ and Ryan doesn’t have to do the brooding thing after talking to her, after anyone mentions her in casual conversation or even thinks her name. The guy has Jewish guilt down to a science.

Ryan scowls at the computer screen, jabbing at the delete button. Seth turns back to his comic, turning the pages absently. Seth can understand wanting to keep the peace between them and his Grandpa and Julie. This means he’s content to put up with the whining to keep said peace. Mom and Dad appreciate it, which is great really. No more screaming matches and awful cautious dinners together...except no one really asked his permission. So, this boyfriend thing, just as bad as the girlfriend thing and he screwed that over monumentally well. It’s a miracle he and Summer survived.

He glances up to find Ryan watching him instead of the computer screen. Not to mention the satisfied smirk playing on his lips. And Ryan? Doesn’t really smirk so Seth, and all interested parts of him, are definitely paying attention.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Ryan replies, nods at the screen, “I’m done.” The sound of the printer registers finally and Seth grins.

“Come here,” he murmurs, lying back down as Ryan obeys and settles in next to him.

“What about yours?” Ryan asks softly, kissing the corner of his mouth. Seth turns, too late for a proper kiss. Ryan stays just out of reach.

“My application? Did the last one yesterday while you were at work,” he replies, focusing on the curve of Ryan’s lips. Ryan smiles, one of those rare, unguarded types that make Seth weak in the knees. It’s a good thing he’s lying down. Ryan does something with his hips and Seth’s legs fall open, Ryan settling there comfortably. Seth sends a prayer of thanks to his wonderful, wonderful parents who decided to go out for the day, and promptly forgets them when he finds skin under the t-shirt and proceeds to try and make Ryan’s knees weak as well.  
\---  
Ryan doesn’t want to be Marissa’s white knight, the one that’s going to take her away from Julie and Caleb and the rest of the crap in her life. He and DJ and every other non-OC, non-Luke guy have been nothing more than her attempt at a rebellion against her mother and the world that she sees as against her.

Ryan sighs. It’s not as easy as all that though. What better way to forget the past and Chino than the pretty girl next door? Sometimes he wishes they’d never met. Wishes they had never been pulled into each other’s life. That he’d walked away from her that first night and then there wouldn’t be this now – his cell ringing at 1am with her name on the display and Seth sleeping soundly next to him. He grabs the phone quickly, freezes when Seth stirs briefly, but thankfully, all he does is grab his pillow tightly. Messy curls, his lips still red...Ryan can taste him still. Seth is in his bed.

Seth is in his bed and...he can handle Marissa. He can handle her phone calls and be friends with her. He can do this to keep the peace, to keep Julie and Kirsten from arguing and Caleb out of Sandy’s face. He can do this. For Seth in his bed, next to him, in his *life*, he can do anything.

“Hi,” he breathes, scrambles out of bed, trying not to wake Seth.

“Hi.” Her voice is soft, tremulous, on the verge of tears. Something he knows well. He can hear faint sounds of shouting in the background and then a door slams. Julie and Caleb are in fine form as usual.

“Can you talk?”

“Give me a second, I don’t want to wake Seth.”

Dead silence on the line as he closes the pool-house door behind him. He winces when she coughs delicately, tries to cover the silence.

“I’m sorry, I...didn’t know he’d be there with you.”

He ignores that one as he settles into a deckchair.

“So Caleb and your mom, huh?”

“Yeah,” she sighs. They’ve been fighting more and more these days. Kirsten is torn between being ecstatic and worried about her father. Because Caleb isn’t letting Julie go and that surprised everyone.

“They’ve been at it all afternoon. I’ve been hiding out in my room since dinner.” Sighs again and it’s a lonely sound over the phone. Ryan waits for her to continue, unsure really of what else to say. He’s content to follow her lead.

“What did you do today?” The question is tentative, a distraction he knows she needs. He has yet to figure out how to include Seth in his day when he talks to her like this.

“Nothing really. Seth helped me with some college applications,” he says, smiling slightly at Seth’s `help’. “And we had dinner with Kirsten and Sandy when they got back.” Before they headed back to the pool-house for more of Seth’s ‘help’. He glances at the poolhouse, at Seth still sleeping.

“I sent mine out last week.”

“Which school did you settle on?” he asks curiously.

“Any one that’s not here,” she answers promptly, and he’s not surprised. “What about you?”

“Um...any place that takes us both,” he replies. There’s never been any doubt about that, no matter if they’re together or not. He would have followed Seth wherever he went.

“I guess that makes sense,” she says. The admission is offered hesitantly and Ryan is suddenly aware that they’re talking about Seth. Like friends do.

“Why?” she asks.

“Why what?” Ryan asks, hangs his head in defeat. It was too good to last. His dream of an actual conversation about Seth disappearing as if it had never been possible.

“Don’t get mad,” she says, trying to be soothing. Ryan forces himself to breathe, doesn’t want to have this fight he can feel looming over their conversation.

“Ryan? Please don’t be mad,” she persists quietly.

“I’m not mad,” he replies, strives hard to keep his voice even. “I’m not...I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“You love him, that’s what you said.”

He remembers that fight, when she’d demanded an explanation as to why Seth and not her. They didn’t talk for weeks after that. He really isn’t sure how they started up again after that, but they did. He loves Seth. He’d shout it from the rooftops if it would sink in, if it would prevent him from having another conversation like this.

“We’re still friends, right?”

It’s a tentative question that makes him wary.

“Yes,” he replies cautiously.

“Good, I’m glad,” she breathes. “I was wondering if you and Seth would like to come to a party.”

“A party?” Ryan echoes in disbelief.

“Yeah, it’s a ‘Surviving Harbor’ party,” she goes on to explain. “Mom and Caleb actually agreed to let me have it.”

“You want us to come?” he says and wishes he’d quit sounding so surprised.

“Yeah, well we’re friends right? That’s what friends do.”

“Right,” he manages, sort of. A party.

“Luke will be there too, so...we’re all friends right? We can survive a party.”

“Sure, right...we can do that,” he mutters.

“Good. This Saturday at about 8.”

“Okay, we’ll be there.”

“Okay, then I’ll see you Saturday.” She hangs up before he can even think of anything else to say.

A party.

With Seth, Marissa, Luke and Summer.

Are parties supposed to sound this ominous, he wonders. It doesn’t matter though. It’s a start. He glances back at Seth again. They can survive this.   
\---  
Ryan wakes up the next day alone. A 1am phone call will do that, even though it’s not the first time it’s happened. The last time, Seth seemed cool about it. Of course he didn't ask Ryan if he wanted to play Xbox either. And Ryan didn’t ask, not when the second controller was conspicuously absent from the living room. Ryan *watched*. Somehow, Ryan thinks he’s going to have to watch again.

Seth is already playing when Ryan gets into the house. Doesn’t even look up, though with Seth and Xbox, that’s always a given. An empty bowl is on the floor next to him.

“Morning,” Ryan tries, hesitates a little when he doesn’t know whether to kiss Seth or not. Seth, however grunts something, remaining focused on the tv-screen. Ryan braces himself and plows ahead.

“Morning,” he says again, standing so close, that Seth has to look up, and kisses him quickly when he does.

“Hey,” Seth replies without missing a beat. “Mom and Dad are already up.” Nods to the kitchen and goes back to his game and yeah, Ryan is *so* watching today.

“Okay,” he replies. “I’m sorry I’m late.”

“Dude, you missed cornflakes, that’s it,” Seth replies easily. “You’d better get some breakfast. The post office waits for no college application and we need to get them posted today.”

Ryan nods, unsure of how to deal with this brisk Seth. The one that throws him off without even trying. He hesitates a little before he finally decides that maybe the kitchen would be safer. A moment later, though, he can hear Seth behind him and he breathes in relief.

In the kitchen, Sandy and Kirsten look up from their papers and they’re both in sweats.

“Don’t you people work?” Seth asks loudly.

“It’s Thursday, we’re scheduled to be rebels,” Sandy smirks. Kirsten giggles and it’s the first time in a long while that she’s done that. This was Sandy’s idea. Just a day off, in the middle of the week to be together. Their ‘therapy’, Kirsten calls it. Ryan is always amazed that he’s still in their home and that they didn’t kick him out after they found out about him and Seth. The possibility of Seth and guys didn’t seem to surprise them. He did though and there was an awkward time where they pushed the idea of therapy, just as an option. For them both. That was until he explained that basically, it’s Seth and how is he supposed to resist Seth when he’s the dedicated focus of a Seth-onslaught of wooing?

Seth’s words, not his.

Of course, the only hiccup in their coming out had been Caleb’s loud objections and the expectation that seemed to die painfully in Marissa’s eyes. Caleb isn’t an issue anymore, not within earshot of Kirsten anyway, thanks to a memorable afternoon when she reinvented rage-blackouts. Kicked Caleb out too. Sandy thankfully, brought them back together. He’s also the one that has to listen to Caleb’s ranting, though he’s long since grown used to that too. Ryan figures the least he can do is deal with Marissa and, finally after last night, he wants to believe that something is going right. He glances surreptitiously at Seth who’s intent on coffee.

“You guys going to Marissa’s party?”

Oh, so close. Ryan closes his eyes, when Seth stiffens at his mom’s question.

“At least someone will be having fun this Saturday,” Sandy grouses. “Maybe I’ll be rebellious and just disappear.”

Seth frowns at him and Ryan takes refuge in his cornflakes. It still surprises him how much Marissa can get to Seth.

“No, it’s Saturday, you’re supposed to be the faithful, wonderful husband who wouldn’t dare leave his wife to deal with her father and Julie,” Kirsten smiles sweetly. Sandy grins, completely besotted by his wife.

“So are you guys going?”

It’s a carefully cheerful question because Kirsten and Sandy have dealt with their fair share of comments passed behind their backs, or within earshot within Newport society as well. They know too that Ryan and Seth have had their share of those as well.

“Marissa called last night and invited us,” he offers finally. Seth is staring at him now, his face unreadable. Kirsten and Sandy seem to fade away and it’s just him and Seth and he can’t *read* Seth.

“Do you want to go?” Seth asks casually. There’s a feeling of being trapped between Kirsten and Seth but its Sandy thankfully, that sort of rescues him.

“You two should go, be rebellious in my honour.”

“I do want to go,” Ryan says cautiously.

“Was I invited?”

“Seth,” Kirsten scolds him, and okay, Seth is being snide, so yeah, he’s upset. He shrugs his mom’s scolding away.

“What, it’s not like we’re best friends or anything,” he scowls at his coffee. Ryan wishes Seth would look at him again, but his boyfriend doesn’t. Looks anywhere but at him. This so isn’t worth it.

“We don’t have to go...” Ryan offers, eager for this to be over and done with.

“But you do want to go,” Seth challenges him.

“Um...” he says, aware they have an audience that’s grinning at them. This camaraderie and understanding that comes with coupledom is something he just doesn’t get. Not with Kirsten and Sandy anyway, but still it’s there and it’s easy. Most times.

“What?” Seth snaps, no qualms about their audience.

“Nothing,” Kirsten says, quickly.

“Why don’t you guys go for an hour or something and then come back and rescue us?” Sandy suggests brightly. “Make nice with Marissa, and then leave. That way you can say you’re trying and no one can say anything.”

Makes perfectly logical sense and Ryan doesn’t miss Sandy’s hand closing over Kirsten’s. Makes him wonder about Caleb again and how much interference Kirsten and Sandy are actually running between them and Caleb. It’s the one time he does appreciate their fierce protectiveness.

“I don’t know anyone there...different crowd,” Seth whines.

“What about Summer?” Kirsten pipes up.

“And Luke, Luke’s back,” Ryan adds and of all things, doesn’t really expect Seth to perk up so much at his name.

“He’s back?” Seth questions eagerly. Ryan pauses, torn between playing that particular angle and shutting up. Seth hasn’t said much about Portland and Ryan hasn’t pushed. He was just glad Seth was back home. He is sure that Seth still emails Luke and he’s damn sure that it was after Portland that Seth started his wooing campaign.

“Ok, what time again?”

“What?” Ryan blinks, unsure of what he’s heard.

“What time do you want to go over there?” Seth asks. “Ryan?”

“She said 8pm,” he replies. Seth nods and ignoring his mom and dad heads back to the living room.

“Now that’s something I never thought I’d see,” Sandy murmurs. “Luke and Seth friends.”

Ryan retreats into the living room at that, to Seth who’s already got a game on screen where something is dying graphically.

“Do we have to do this every time she calls?” Ryan asks, his mouth seemingly content to start a fight without consulting the rest of him.

“Do what? I was the one sleeping alone at 1am because my boyfriend was talking to his ex on the phone,” Seth pauses. “Let me rephrase that –*because* my boyfriend *only* talks to his ex at 1am on the phone.”

“Can we not fight?” Ryan pleads. Onscreen something groans its death knell.

“Dude, I’m not fighting...” Seth replies, frowning at the screen, “though technically I am...”

“Seth,” Ryan says, forces himself to be patient. And not ask about Luke.

“What? We’re going right?”

“Seth.” Pleading now, he reaches for the control and takes it from limp fingers. Onscreen, Seth dies slowly until “Game Over” flashes. Seth reaches for his coffee, but Ryan pulls the cup away.

“It’s a party, Seth.”

Seth leans back, his head tipping back as far as it can onto the couch. He snorts.

“It’s a party with your ex-girlfriend and technically my step-aunt not to mention my own ex with whom I’m still friends with though I don’t know how that happened...”

“And Luke...”

And look, he even managed not to grind his teeth on that one.

“That’s the one good thing about all this,” Seth groans.

“That’s great,” Ryan mumbles. “Can we just talk about Marissa for a minute?” Seth sighs, as he settles down next to him.

“Fine, let’s talk,” he says, his voice thin, angry. “I have no problems being friends with Marissa. I do have problems with the 1am phone calls and calling you for a ride home.”

He doesn’t know where to begin with this, not when Seth is *so* angry.

“Should I say no to her? When she’s drunk...?”

“You could not lie to me about it.”

Fuck. He knows.

Seth reaches for the controller again, definitely not looking at him. It was 3am. 3am last week and he was sure Seth was asleep in his room.

“I wasn’t lying,” Ryan replies lamely. Goes with the truth this time and better late than never, right? “I was going to tell you...”

“It happened last week. Dude, when were you going to tell me?” Seth asks, his eyes narrowing. So, it’s been festering since last week then, 3am and something occurs to Ryan.

“How did you know? I thought you’d be asleep.”

“Obviously,” Seth drawls. “I couldn’t sleep so I went online, because I knew you had an early start at work. I thought you needed to sleep. When Luke got online, we talked for longer than I thought. And the next thing I know you were pulling out of the driveway. So, do tell, when were you going to tell me?”

Ryan blinks, trying to keep up with Seth. Unfortunately, he seems to be focused on Luke’s name.

“You were online with Luke?” And no, he’s not squeaking, not wondering what exactly Seth has to talk to Luke about at 3am.

“Did I mention having to sit through Summer’s detailed account the next day of worrying about Marissa when she couldn’t find her at that party? Did Marissa even tell you Summer was there with her?” Seth asks, his voice tight. “Waiting for her? Worrying about her? Until she calls Marissa’s cell only guess what? She’s already at home.”

“Oh,” Ryan manages, squeezes his eyes shut. He hadn’t asked Marissa if she was there with anyone and she didn’t offer the information.

“Yeah,” Seth sighs, “that about covers it.” The controller falls to the floor from limp fingers.

“I didn’t want to worry you, that’s why I didn’t tell you,” he says finally, the words sounding hollow.

“How many times is it now?” Seth asks conversationally. “That’s she’s decided you’re the only friend she has left?” He sounds tired, something resigned in his voice. Ryan sits up at that, a small knot of fear forming in his chest.

“You do know she’s playing you, don’t you?”

“Maybe,” Ryan allows softly, the thought hurting. Despite everything, he hoped things would be better between them. He’d like to think she needs his friendship more. “But I won’t give anyone any excuse to accuse us of causing more trouble. Not between this family and Caleb. Besides, it doesn’t matter, she’ll get tired of it soon.”

“She’s not the only one,” Seth mumbles, Ryan looking at him sharply. But Seth’s expression is completely innocent. “Why can’t this be easier? We’re all capable of being friends and friends let friends know when they want to be friends, right?”

That one takes a moment to sink in, following the path of Seth-logic is never easy.

“Seth, she knows I want to be friends...do you think I want to get back with her?” Ryan asks sharply. He feels his body freeze up at that thought, the world narrowing to Seth next to him. Seth doesn’t answer, stares at the tv-screen still showing the ‘Game over’.

“Seth...” Ryan prods anxiously. “We’re friends, I want to be friends with her. She knows it, that’s why she invited us to this thing. It doesn’t matter what she wants, or what shit she pulls.”

“I know, of course you’re right,” Seth replies coming to life suddenly. Too quickly, too enthusiastically, just too much. He offers him the controller.

“Want to play?”

Ryan nods absently, taking the reprieve Seth is offering him, offering them both. He follows Seth as he reaches on the other side of the couch for the other controller. Seth doesn’t believe him, Ryan thinks. And he doesn’t have the words to change that, not yet anyway.   
\---  
After that, everything is studiously normal. Like the flick of a switch, Seth is Seth, right down to the small gasps he makes when Ryan goes down on him in the poolhouse. A small hitch of breath, Seth’s hands everywhere, on the back of his neck pressing down in encouragement as only Seth can. It’s like this every time, Seth open to him, legs wrapping around his waist when they fuck. Ryan likes to look at him like this, Seth’s eyes so very wide, concentrated on him. He still doesn’t have the right words to make Seth understand, to make him believe, so he tries to show him instead. Moving in him slowly, drawing out the moment, each thrust until Seth comes and it seems to be just like it always has been between them.

But it isn’t.  
\---  
Ryan makes breakfast the morning of the party. Pancakes that Seth tends to wax lyrical about, enough to sit them at the top of the list of his favorite breakfasts ever. Kirsten comes down early, padding into the kitchen where she heads straight for the coffee.

“Morning,” she mumbles, running her hand through her hair, tying it back messily.

“Morning,” he replies, gesturing at the stove.

“Ohh, pancakes,” she drawls, perking up even before she’s had her coffee. She looks at him in a distinctly ‘mom’ way.

“What did you do?”

Ryan blushes, tempted to brush her concern away, but after him and Theresa, Seth leaving and then their relationship he’s pretty sure she can either wait him out or weed it out of him.

“He likes whipped cream on the side,” she says. He nods, though he doesn’t need the reminder.

“I think he’s mad at me because of this party.” And Marissa, but in this case, they’re the same thing.

“Seth doesn’t want to go?” she asks diplomatically. He asked Seth the same question last night and half a dozen times before that. Seth rolled his eyes, tackled him and then shut him up in the most expedient way he could think of. Not that Ryan was complaining, but Seth avoided the subject completely after that. Hence the pancakes.

“He says he wants to go,” Ryan shrugs.

“Ryan, wanting to be friends with Marissa is fine. Great even,” Kirsten begins, her eyes narrow, assessing. “Just don’t do it because you think you have to. Sandy and I and Julie and my Dad, we’ll figure something out. I don’t want you to try and make something work for everyone else, when it isn’t working for you.”

“Yeah but...”

“You’re not 17, Ryan,” Kirsten says gently, using his own words from so long ago. “I don’t think you were ever that young, not when you first came to us and not now.” He focuses on the pancakes, tries to swallow his anger that she’s using his own words against him like this.

“But you aren’t anyone’s keeper either.”

He turns back to the griddle, her words sinking in, the soothing cadence of her voice dulling his anger a bit. She wanders away finally, leaving him alone at the stove. He wants to help Marissa, why can’t it be as simple as all that?

“Something’s burning,” Seth announces his arrival with that warning. Just in time Ryan manages to rescue the last of his pancakes.

“Pancakes? Yum!” Seth murmurs enthusiastically. Or something close to it before he makes a beeline for the coffee. It gives Ryan hope enough to get through the day at least.  
\----  
“Are you okay?” Ryan asks for the third time since they left the house.  
“Yes dear, I’m just peachy,” Seth replies dryly.   
“It’s just an hour or two,” he continues as if Seth hadn’t spoken. The concern is rapidly approaching annoying. He’s here, they’re going to the party. He wishes they could leave it at that, but Ryan knows something is wrong even if Seth isn’t giving anything away. He’d dearly like to get through this night without a fight, after all there’s always tomorrow. He’s so tired of having to deal with Marissa, of having to accept her and her need to have Ryan rescue her. He knows part of it is that they’re friends, but it’s the rest that drives him nuts. That she would use him and Ryan would let her. Brings up too many issues and the last thing he wants to do is bring up Dawn.

“Ready for our adoring public?”

That earns him a grin from Ryan at least. School is over but while they’re not exactly out, they’re not exactly hiding it either. So far so good, though they’re not the social butterflies of the Newport social scene. This way Ryan’s resolution only to punch someone *back* hasn’t been tested at all, despite the odd comment. Yet.

They park on the street because it’s the only place left and walk up the long driveway shoulders brushing together. The house is brightly lit, the sound of music and voices thundering in the night.

“Grandpa is so going to freak,” Seth mutters. There’s already rubbish on the lawn and a couple of beer bottles.

“If the house survives,” Ryan supplies.

“He should be used it after Hailey,” he returns. There are stories his mom tells every now and then in memory of Hurricane Hailey that makes him grateful she eventually did leave.

“Doesn’t matter, though. He can order another one up,” Seth grins. “Mom can set it up for him and all Julie will have to do is walk inside.”

He can feel the music now, each beat pounding in his chest, or maybe that’s just his heart. Ryan squeezes his hand quickly before they head into the crowd that’s spilling outside onto the lawn. Bodies everywhere, pressing in against him, separating him from Ryan. Seth presses through way too much skin before he can grab onto Ryan’s hand again. More faces than he’s ever known in his entire life are flashing past him one after the other.

“Cohen!”

Summer thankfully appears from nowhere, the crowd parting for like the Red Sea. Though the bikini and shorts might have something to do with it too.

“Cohen!” she yells again, apparently for no other reason than she can. She jumps him, spilling some of her drink in the process.

“Hey Summer,” he yells back, forced to let go of Ryan’s hand. She grins sunnily at him before she launches herself at Ryan. He staggers back, before he gracefully accepts her hug.

“You came! I didn’t think you’d come,” she squeals. “Everyone’s here...somewhere...” Waves at the crowd vaguely.

Seth makes a note not to ask about Zach and their ‘trial separation’ while he decides which school to go to. Not here anyway.

“Is Luke here yet?” Seth asks instead. He can feel Ryan stiffen at his words, even before he notices the grim expression on Ryan’s face. But Summer is shrugging and saying she isn’t sure where he is.

“I had him with me just a minute ago,” she replies, waving in the direction from which she appeared.

“Okay then,” Seth says now anxious to hold onto her in case she ends up in the pool or something.

“Where’s Marissa?” Ryan asks suddenly. And maybe it’s just him, but that’s a pointed question, directed at Seth as much as Summer. Seth suppresses the urge to react to Summer’s look. They both know she needs help and they both know Ryan can’t give her the help she needs, not when Marissa is pushing all of his buttons.

“Have fun okay?” Summer says seriously. “Don’t let anything ruin the party.” She leans in close to him, her eyes clear. It’s a warning of sorts, Seth figures. Seth wants to ask her more, but she spins around searching the crowd as if drawn by a sixth sense She waves excitedly at someone, and finally, Luke.

Hair darker now, it’s almost an anomaly here in the sea of tanned skin and light hair. Instead Luke is paler than when Seth saw him last, and hair...it’s not the Luke he expects to see in Newport Society. He expects the blonde that left, the opposite of him, instead there’s Portland Luke.

“Cohen!” Luke shouts and the crowd parts for him too. They haven’t seen each other since Portland, but the anonymity of their late night chats and emails affords them a certain intimacy now. Seth knows Luke is trying to get his parents to start talking again and his brothers to see their father. He knows it isn’t working and that going to school here is his last resort, hoping it’s enough to force them all together at some point. And Luke, for his part, knew about Ryan before Ryan did. Seth had crapped on about the Summer Breeze after he’s admitted he liked Ryan, afraid the Luke of old was going to make an appearance. Instead Luke told him his brothers didn’t want to see their dad anymore and laid out his plan. Tit for tat after a sort. The old Luke didn’t appear, well, not the queer calling part of the old Luke.

“You came!” Luke crows, wrapping his arms around Seth and for a moment Seth doesn’t feel the ground beneath his feet.

“It’s good to see you,” Luke barrels on, glowing.

“Yeah, you too man,” Seth returns, acutely aware of Ryan now next to him. Glowering. What? He’s supposed to run off to Portland and not try and be friends with the guy? He shoots Ryan a cut-it-out look, before Luke starts pumping Ryan’s hand up and down and that becomes a quick hug too.

“When did you guys get here?” Luke asks before he stumbles suddenly into Seth. Behind him Summer is giggling at something in the pool, while the rest of her drink is on the back of Luke’s shirt.

“Summer!” Luke growls, a dangerous gleam in his eye. Summer stands petrified, before she takes off giggling. Luke waves her off laughing.

“A few minutes ago...” Ryan says in belated answer to Luke’s question. Luke nods distractedly, while he strips off his shirt attracting the attention of most of the crowd around them. Seth is sure Ryan is growling something to himself, but he gets distracted by Ryan’s hand on the small of his back, suspiciously close to his ass.

“You guys want a drink?” Luke asks, leaning in close.

“Nah,” Ryan replies at the same time that Seth nods. Awkward moment before Ryan nods slowly. Luke nods, starts wiping the rest of Summer’s drink off with his wadded up shirt.

“Here, turn around,” Seth replies before he can think about it. He snatches the shirt from Luke’s hand and wipes his back. Ryan is glowering again. At him this time.

“Thanks Cohen,” Luke replies, discarding the shirt to one side. “Drinks? Right?” He spins away into the crowd and Seth starts to follow before he realises that Ryan isn’t. Looks back to see him just standing there.

“Ryan?”

“Nothing,” Ryan growls, gesturing toward Luke. “He’s waiting.”

Right, this is just what he needs. Seth shrug and turns to follow Luke through the crowd again. After a very long moment, he can feel a small tug on his t-shirt and he knows Ryan is there.

At the drinks table, Luke has shooed off some glassy eyed guys, before commandeering three bottles of beer.

“When did you get back?” Ryan asks. Someone bumps into the table and they see another wave of people heading toward them. Together they stumble back away to a relatively quiet corner.

“Yesterday,” Luke replies in answer to Ryan’s question. Someone falls to the ground in front of them, laughing hard. He gets up, and hobbles back into the crowd. Just wonderful.

“Did everything go okay with the new apartment?” Seth asks, scanning the party again. He catches Ryan’s frown.

“Yeah, it’s cheap and close to campus and I can still see my brothers on the weekend.”

“You’re going to USC?” Ryan asks. It’s a sharp question, and Luke notices that something is wrong now. Especially since Seth hasn’t told Ryan all this either. It’s not like he said he would anyway. Seth sips his beer.

“Yeah, what about you guys?” Luke returns curiously. Ryan grunts in Seth’s direction and Seth swallows his beer quickly.

“Ah...” Luke replies. “Still thinking about USC?”

A cheer erupts from somewhere in the crowd and no Seth hasn’t mentioned the writing program he wants to get into at USC. He was perfectly willing to follow Ryan wherever he went.

“Wherever,” Seth tries for cool but reaches lame. Maybe. And now the glowering has become ... more.

“Have you seen Marissa anywhere?” Ryan asks suddenly. It’s Seth’s turn to glower now, not in Ryan’s league, but still good enough.

“Inside maybe?” Luke shrugs. Without a word, Ryan heads out in the direction of the house.

“Okay, what the hell did I do?” Luke demands once Ryan is out of earshot. Up ahead, Ryan stops finally, turns around and yeah, he’s waiting for him. And finally something clicks. The possessiveness. Ryan’s jealous. Luke looks between them and something close to understanding blossoms on his face.

“Cohen...” he says in warning.

“I’ll tell him,” Seth replies sounding more sure than he feels.

“I’d really like it if he didn’t look at me like he wanted to take my head off,” Luke says. “I thought you said it was a passing phase.”

“Well he hasn’t asked me why I woke up gay,” Seth retorts. “Not since the last time I told you about.” Up ahead, Ryan is staring at him now. That particular conversation happened the first and only time he ever told Ryan that he still emailed Luke, that he and Luke were friends. After a fashion. Ryan knows he wasn’t Seth’s first so it was obvious what Ryan was wondering, and Seth distracted him the best way he knew how. He let Ryan think it was Luke. To be more accurate, he hasn’t said that it wasn’t Luke.

“And during that last time, he thought it was me,” Luke retorts. “Just tell him it wasn’t me Cohen, anything else is up to you.” Luke stalks away into the crowd after that and wonderful, he’s alienating everyone tonight. Seth weaves his way through the crowd to Ryan.

“What was that about?” Ryan asks.

“You tell me,” he retorts, “you’re the one who’s apparently got a problem with Luke.”

Ryan doesn’t want to start a fight, not here, not now, but this place and these people get under his skin on nights like this. He wants to go home.

“Let’s get this over with,” Seth mutters, unsure if Ryan even hears him. He makes it to the door before Ryan pushes him through and drags him to a hallway just past the glass doors. They stumble past the couple making out on the stairs to the hallway leading to the laundry. Seth spies a pristine washing machine through an open door. Fingers dig into his arm hard and Ryan’s pissed. He gets that.

“Let go,” Seth snaps, pulls his arm free. “What’s with you?”

“Was it Luke?” Ryan demands, before he presses up close to Seth. He can feel the heat off Ryan’s body, the anger too.

“Was Luke your first?”

The couple kissing on the stairs stumble pst at the end of the hallway, their arms locked around each other.

“What?” Seth asks, not really caring that Ryan flinches against his cold voice. He wanted to come to this thing, he wanted to make nice with Marissa and he was the one being the ass to Luke. Seth tells Ryan exactly that. And Ryan stands there and takes it until Seth is out of steam and out of words that make sense.

“Did you sleep with Luke?” Ryan asks, his voice subdued.

“Why does it matter?” Seth asks truly bewildered. He’s talked his way out of the subject before, and until now Ryan hasn’t asked who. Not like this.

“I just want to know,” Ryan offers lamely. He won’t look at Seth, and there’s something else behind this that Seth knows now isn’t the time to ask, but he does anyway.

“Why? It’s not like it matters.” Seth reaches for Ryan, but Ryan just stands there.

“Seth, people who love the same girl for 10 years don’t suddenly break-up with her and ask another guy out instead. And don’t tell me it doesn’t matter. Because it happened, and you did what you did for a reason. Not just because some guy kissed you. And you won’t tell me who the guy was that flipped your world upside down and made you interested in guys.”

It’s quite possibly the longest Ryan’s ever rambled. Ryan breathes suddenly, an expression of disbelief flickering across his face. Seth tries not to snigger at the expression.

“Don’t laugh,” Ryan warns.

“I’m not laughing.” Seth claps his hand over his mouth just in time to stop the laughter from bubbling forth. Ryan is jealous that it wasn’t him, that he wasn’t Seth’s first lover.

“Do you often discuss the first person you slept with? With a girlfriend I mean?” Ryan frowns, shakes his head. Seth isn’t above playing dirty with this either. They’ve never discussed firsts and honestly Seth doesn’t care. Ryan’s history has been nicely compacted into one name and that’s the only one he cares about. On the girlfriend side anyway.

“What do you want to know?” Ryan asks. He steps back from Seth, his legs wide apart to brace himself. “Before Theresa...”

“No please don’t,” Seth says quickly, waving his words away. He knows enough to realise that Ryan isn’t going to let this go, not this time.

“Not here okay? I promise, we’ll talk at home.”

A heartbeat too long before Ryan relaxes and nods. Seth sighs in relief. That’s enough time to think of something.

“Okay, let’s find Marissa, and get out of here...”

He hopes.  
\---  
Ryan darts a look behind him, concerned when Seth doesn’t follow him from the hallway into the party. He turns to go back because there’s no way he’s going to upset Seth any more in this place, not when he’s finally got the promise to talk about it. The guy, the one, the ‘why’ of Portland, the one that turned Seth’s head so much so that Summer became a fond memory. Ryan knows that Seth is afraid, deathly afraid of this conversation which is why he’s been avoiding it every time there’s even a chance of it coming up. He’s grateful that Seth turned in his direction eventually and he’s going to make sure it stays on him. Ryan catches sight of himself in a mirror. Seth’s boyfriend.

He likes the sound of that. Seth appears, his chin resting on Ryan’s shoulder.

“She in there?”  
He blinks at him innocently and Ryan reminds himself that Seth is capable of talking himself out of most things.

“No, but I wish she was. Then I could get this over with.”

Something crashes in the kitchen, before a chorus of high pitched giggles float out to them.

“You might want to try in there,” Seth deadpans.

“Thanks for the tip,” Ryan replies, shaking his head. He tugs on Seth to follow him but instead finds him mesmerised by the sight of Summer on the coffee table. Doing a striptease.

“Go...” Ryan prods him.

“Um, Summer...” Seth ventures, heading to the living room. Ryan leaves him there trying to get Summer down while keeping her shorts on. Ryan weaves his way through to the kitchen, past the couple from the stairs who seem to have got distracted on the way to wherever they were going. He gets pulled further into the kitchen by the sound of Marissa’s wild laughter.

And Ryan stops. She’s surrounded by girls, some of whom seem vaguely familiar. Marissa, in the middle, throws her head back in laughter at something. There are paper cups scattered everywhere, and a bottle of vodka on the table. The laughter starts up again, before she reaches for a cup, swallowing quickly. Another girl reaches for the vodka bottle, pouring for her.

He knew she was drinking again, but not like this. Ryan remembers finding the vodka in her bag weeks ago and these days he knows it’s always in there next to her lipstick and phone according to Summer. She tried to stop drinking at some point after he got back from Portland with Seth, and before Seth kissed him. After that there are just the arguments and the fights to remember. Marissa kicks off her shoes, swaying dangerously. It doesn’t stop her from trying to get up onto a kitchen chair.

“Marissa,” he tries, pushing his way through. Ryan grabs her around her waist, barely managing to pull her off.

“Hey!” she squeals indignantly and a chorus of ‘hey’ follow from her adoring audience. Ryan puts her down, allowing her to wriggle free from her arms. She elbows him away, brushing the hair out of her glassy eyes.

“Are you all right?” he asks.

“Leave her alone,” a petite blonde swats his arm. Someone from French class if he remembers correctly.

“No, wait this is Ryan...” Marissa explains giddily. She twists and presses up against him, his arm going around her automatically to steady her. Alcohol on her breath, he jerks away from that. The stench is more familiar than he cares to admit.

“Yeah...Ryan...” the helpful bartender brunette drawls, nudging the girl next to her and he doesn’t want to know what that’s about.

“He’s my boyfriend,” Marissa giggles, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him closer.

“No, I’m not,” he says firmly, ignoring the new wave of giggling at Marissa’s expense this time. Marissa grapples with him, eventually managing to wrap her hands around him again. She nuzzles into his neck, her hand already under his t-shirt.

Ryan breathes, and smells the stench of alcohol, memories older than this he’s tried so hard to forget.

“You’re my boyfriend, Ryan,” she pouts. “You and me, you and me...” She kisses the side of his neck and Ryan sighs, suddenly very tired. The weight of her, of everything between them bearing down on him. It always does and he always picks himself up and does what he’s supposed to do.

“Okay, party’s over girls,” Summer announces suddenly. She pushes herself into the group until the girls get her point and wander off. Summer takes Marissa from him roughly, she’s already half unconscious.

“Chino, you might want to go find your boyfriend.”

Ryan freezes at that, glancing around for a glimpse of Seth. But Seth isn’t there.

“Ryan, go find him. He saw her all over you.”

*No*, *no* please not tonight, Ryan thinks desperately. He takes a deep breath to steady himself but Marissa is all over him again, while Summer tries to pull her away.

“No, he’s staying, Seth can go,” Marissa slurs.

“Will you be all right?” he asks Summer, ignoring Marissa entirely. H doesn't want to look at her and he barely waits for Summer’s nod before he weaves his way through the house, searching for Seth. Seth isn’t inside and a wave of helplessness washes over him. He heads out to the party, where faces flash by one after the other until Ryan finds himself at the front of the house at the driveway. And there’s Seth...and Luke.

The both of them are hurrying down the driveway to the road. Luke pulls Seth to one side, gesturing at a truck and only then does Ryan’s brain kick into gear. He rushes up to them.

“Cohen, don’t be an ass. You can’t walk home,” Luke snaps. He doesn’t see Ryan, but Seth does. Seth who looks at him, hurt.

“Wait,” Ryan says and Luke lets go of Seth’s hand.

“I’ll take that ride, Luke,” Seth says immediately. Luke looks between them confused.

“Don’t Seth, wait,” Ryan pleads.

“For what?” Plaintive words, but nothing has ever made Ryan so afraid. “Too watch you try to save Marissa from herself?”

Ryan winces against his words. Seth knows how to use them whenever he wants to.

“I can’t let her...”

“Newsflash, how are you going to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved?” Seth asks tiredly. “You want to keep picking up the pieces after her, fine. You’ve certainly had enough practice.”

Ryan staggers back from him at that and, in that moment, Ryan hates him. Seth, who he’s touched and kissed and loved, he hates him. Something like regret flickers over Seth’s face, but he doesn’t apologise, doesn’t take the words back. Silence grows between them now and Ryan allows it to continue like Seth does.

“Cohen, I’ll take you home...” Luke says, his voice dropping into that chasm between them.

“No, don’t,” Ryan says grimly. “I don’t think he’s finished yet.”

Ryan looks at Seth challenging him and finds sadness there. It throws him, even as Seth lifts his chin, to meet his challenge.

“Your mom is an alcoholic, Ryan.”

His hands curl into fists at his sides, an automatic reaction leftover from his days in Chino when his mom showed up drunk at school and the other kids never let him forget it. Or finding her passed out on the couch again and needing to hit something.

“She gets drunk and you were the one that picked her up and put her back together again. But the best thing she ever did was realise what she was. And she let you go. She didn’t ask you to take care of her anymore, she let you go.”

Seth pauses, his face twisting before he looks at Ryan again. So very still that Ryan reaches for him, but Seth jerks away.

“But you never learned to let go. I don’t know whether you want to save Marissa or your mom, but you keep doing it. You pick Marissa up, and try to put her together again. You don’t want to tell Julie because Marissa asked you not to. And you believe Marissa when she says she’s going to stop, but she never does...”

Seth shakes his head tiredly, stumbling back a little bit further away from Ryan.

“I don’t know if you’re pissed at your mom or yourself or whether you think we’re a huge mistake ...”

“No,” Ryan shouts frantically and Seth shuts his mouth with an audible click.

“Marissa and me, no. We’re not getting back together. That... in the kitchen, she was drunk.”

“Which is sort of the point,” Seth replies sadly. “You can’t keep on saving her because Marissa doesn’t really want to save herself. Not if you’re always going to be there...and the thing is, you always will be. You’re her friend, and that’s what friends do, right?”

Seth shakes his head, his hand held up in surrender.

“I want to go home,” he says, the words slithering under Ryan’s skin. Ryan doesn’t move, not even when Luke gestures at his truck and Seth follows him.   
\---  
The darkness is absolute when Ryan shuts off the power, the music dying suddenly. A chorus of disappointment wells from the crowd, but Ryan slinks back into the darkness next to the power box and sags against the wall. Seth, Seth’s words reverberating in his head still, pounding as he tries to find a way to answer Seth. Ryan doesn’t want her back, he really only wanted to help Marissa. He hasn’t really thought about the why. He knows how to do it too. Every phone call, every time she was drunk and called him, every time she promised to stop, he believed her. He didn’t tell Jimmy or Julie, it was easier like that. He knows how to do this part, knows how to take care of things, even if it’s just listening to her on the phone. His mom taught him well.

Mom. Ryan thinks of her everyday, worries and that’s something that will never change. He worries that she’s still drunk, or high or back with AJ. She’s his *mom* and he couldn’t help her. He loved Marissa and he couldn’t help her either. It’s the one thing he seems to be doing well. That and hurting Seth.

It’s quiet.

He hears someone stumbling over a bottle, a small curse piercing the night. Summer.

Ryan switches the lights back on but not before Summer yelps. She glares at him when the lights come back on, rubbing her knee.

“I figured it was you,” she says sharply. “Nice trick.”

“Where is she?” he asks instead. He remembers a time before Juvie when his mom promised to quit drinking. But then it faded in AJ’s presence. Like Marissa’s. Words pounding in his head again.

“Inside, on the couch,” Summer replies. Ryan brushes past her to the house, to Marissa. She tries to sit up, bracing herself on her elbows and peering up at him before she flops back down again.

“Ryan...” she holds out her hand to him.

She’s drunk.

It pierces the haze surrounding him. Like the day his mom left in bright sunlight with red eyes, nothing in them but sadness. Marissa’s eyes are red now, though that’s all he cares about. He avoids Marissa’s hand, edging past to the phone. He dials quickly and wonders if Seth is back yet.

Sandy comes on the line, his voice studiously cheerful. Caleb and Julie probably close by, then. Ryan lets Sandy’s voice wash over him and it’s comforting a little.

“Can I speak to Julie?”

Thankfully Sandy doesn’t hesitate, even when Ryan lies and tells him everything is okay.

“The party’s over,” Ryan whispers before Julie can say anything. “You need to get home. Summer’s here but Marissa’s drunk.”

Julie doesn’t waste any time with pleasantries, and Ryan is suddenly listening to a dial tone.

Marissa stares at him in betrayal. He promised her he’d never tell Julie. He promised.

“I’ll stay,” Summer says quietly.

“You promised me,” Marissa hisses. She lurches to her feet, Summer just in time to catch her. Ryan doesn’t care. It’s easy to walk away from her this time.

***

“I can’t believe I said that,” Seth mumbles for the dozenth time. He squeezes his eyes shut and hopes this is just a dream. A nightmare actually that Ryan is going to wake him up from and then everything will be okay. That Seth didn’t say *that* about his *mom*.

“Calm down Cohen.”

No, no dream or nightmare, because Luke is still here, half-clothed anyway. And he has only been featured in Seth’s drunken Portland dreams maybe twice and he’s always been naked. But now Luke’s sitting in a deckchair watching him pace. They’re hiding out from everyone in the house even though Julie and Grandpa took off a while ago. Safer out here by the pool than facing his parents inside. He can’t ask them about Ryan so he’s done the next best thing by making Luke call Summer on his cell. So Ryan’s on his way home, hence the pacing.

“He’ll understand, Cohen. Calm down,” Luke tries again.

“I called his mom a drunk and I accused him of sort of maybe trying to get back with Marissa. Dude, I’ll be lucky...”

“Cohen!”

Seth bumps into a solid wall of Luke, big hands holding him still now.

“His mom was an alcoholic,” Luke says evenly.

Not exactly what he wants to hear, but Luke can be an immovable object if he wants to be.

“Cohen, she is what she is. Everyone knows it. So is Marissa.”

“Yeah, but no-one else threw it in his face like that, did they?” Seth mumbles morosely. The picture of Ryan so very *hurt* is etched into is mind. His mouth just wouldn’t quit.

“No, that’s what he keeps you around for,” Luke replies. “No way Ryan would take that from anyone else.”

Okay, so that’s vaguely comforting. Seth sighs heavily.

“I think he understood what you were trying to say,” he continues. “Besides he’s on his way here so you’re going to find out sooner or later anyway...”

“To kick my ass,” Seth whines, ignoring the indulgent grin on Luke’s face. He’s pretty used to this side of Seth after the hours of whining about Ryan though usually it’s over the internet. It seems to bring out the big brother in Luke, which is supremely weird in that it works. Sort of. Seth doesn’t think about it anymore, goes with the flow, it’s easier that way than thinking too much about it.

“No, I have to say that’s probably not what he wants to do to your ass...”

Except at moments like these. Luke grins and he really does think he’s funny.

“I can’t believe you said that,” Seth groans, hangs his head in shame on Luke’s behalf. The bastard just laughs, his hand heavy on Seth’s neck. Seth sways and Luke pulls him forward, his head butting against Luke’s chest.

“It’ll be okay,” Luke says softly, certainly and Seth wants to believe him. He whines and Luke laughs lowly.

“Stop being such a drama queen.”

“Did you just call me a drama queen?” Seth asks, pulling away from Luke. He’s laughing and Seth can’t help but join in especially when he wants to believe Luke. That everything will be all right.

“Welcome back to the OC, bitch,” Seth retorts. He ducks when Luke makes a mad swipe at him.

“Am I interrupting?”

They’re simple words, but it’s all it takes to make Seth feel drained. Ryan standing at the stairs, watching them though for how long, Seth isn’t sure. Ryan frowns at him and the *shirtless* Luke and Seth remembers they have a lot more to talk about.

“You’re back,” Luke chirps inanely. “How’d everything go?”

Not like they don’t already know, but Seth isn’t going to tell Ryan that.

“I cut the power, everyone left and I called Julie.”

There done, he really did call Julie and those words are really coming from Ryan’s mouth. Makes it real, more than anything else.

He called Julie and Julie’s going to walk in to find Marissa passed out on the couch with Summer keeping watch over her. Seth bites his tongue, swallowing the ‘Hallelujah’ that’s threatening to burst out of him.

“I won’t tell anyone,” Ryan says softly. He walks down the last few stairs to stand very deliberately in front of Luke, his face expressionless. Luke looks confused. But Seth’s heart sinks at the careful words.

“What?” Luke squeaks.

“About you and Seth. I just wanted to know, I wasn’t going to tell anyone. So don’t worry,” Ryan says steadily. “We’re cool.”

Except Luke isn’t, Luke is red. The tips of his ears are *red*.

“Cohen...” he growls and Seth has a flashback to the Luke of old.

“It wasn’t him,” Seth offers, wanting to go for subtly encouraging Ryan not to get into this now, but subtlety isn’t his strong suit. Not when Ryan is looking at him hurt like that, like he’s lying to him. And there’s no way he can get out of this.

“Oliver. I slept with Oliver.”

There, it’s done and he actually said those words, said them out loud. Ryan looks at him, his eyes narrowing in disbelief.

“No.”

Seth cringes at that, at Ryan’s hoarse voice, at the pain flickering in his eyes. Seth reaches for him, an instinct, but Ryan stumbles away. Looks at Luke.

“You knew about this?” he demands angrily.

“Um,” Luke hedges, looking between them confused. Seth shakes his head sharply. He did this and Luke doesn’t need to be in the middle of this.

“I told him when I was in Portland. I asked him not to say anything.”

“Were you ever going to say anything?” Ryan asks angrily.

“Luke,” Seth breathes, turning away from Ryan, “I think maybe it’s time you left.” There’s no need for an audience for their break-up.

“Are you sure?” Luke asks concerned. He moves next to him, their shoulders brushing deliberately. Seth appreciates the gesture, even though Ryan doesn’t seem to register it.

“It’s fine. Go home, I’ll call you tomorrow.”

Seth waits until Luke disappears up the stairs, and around the house to the driveway. And the urge to call him back fades. He can do this.

“Oliver?” Ryan hisses. He stalks toward Seth, but Seth holds his ground. “That fucked-up jerk? He was nuts, Seth. He was obsessed with Marissa and he pulled a fucking gun on her.”

The words wash over him, almost familiar, because they’re no different than any he’s said to himself.

“I know that...” Seth tries. “We...it just happened. We weren’t...it wasn’t anything...”

“When did you actually stop?” Ryan asks harshly.

Christ, Seth thinks closing his eyes, unable to answer. Flashes of memory still haunt him, stolen moments between them every chance they got. He never asked about Marissa and Oliver never asked about Anna or Summer. It was easy, it was just them. Seth opens his eyes in time to see Ryan backing away from him, shaking his head. Seth stands his ground, holds his breath because Ryan looks like he’s going to run. He can feel it.

“Ryan...”

“I was going crazy trying to keep Marissa safe and you knew that. You knew...”

“Right,” Seth sighs. “You were trying to protect Marissa...”

“No, no don’t do that,” Ryan jumps on her name. “This isn’t about me and her. This is about my best friend lying to me...”

*Self-righteous prick*, Seth thinks suddenly. Anger flooding him now and his mouth is already open before the rest of him can catch up.

“When was I supposed to tell you? In between you breaking up with Marissa and then fucking Theresa?” Seth snaps, and Ryan flinches against his words. Seth is perversely glad to see it, wants the bastard to hurt.

“I tried to tell you when Oliver was gone, but you were too busy running after Marissa and trying to rescue Theresa. I guess somewhere in between you deciding to leave, I was supposed to go ‘Gee, Ryan, I’m a fag and would you like to go out on a date to see if we have a chance or not?’ I’m so fucking sorry that I couldn’t find the right moment to tell you I was queer. The next time my life changes like that, I’ll be sure to check your fucking schedule.”

Seth’s aware now that he’s screaming at Ryan, who’s staggering back under the onslaught of his words. Seth stumbles back, wondering if he could get away with super-gluing his mouth shut. Ryan recovers first, an uncertain expression on his face.

“How long have you been in love with me?”

That throws him, and Seth rapidly goes through his ranting again before he realises what Ryan said, what it means. And no, he’s not going to blush.

“What the hell does that have to do with anything?”

“You said...Theresa. You said you wanted...date...you wanted me when Theresa was here.”

Seth gulps down a denial because Ryan is looking at him in painful wonder.

“So? What?” Seth challenges him angrily.

“You just let it happen. Theresa and me and you didn’t say a word.”

“Let it happen?” Seth snaps angrily. “Fuck you, you made the decision to leave.” He gives this old pain free reign. He’s screwed anyway.

“You wouldn’t let us help. You just left,” Seth adds. He’s aware now of the awful look of wonder on Ryan’s face. The sad kind, the unexpected kind where he isn’t quite sure what to make of things.

“So yeah. Since Oliver. After Oliver left...” Seth allows finally. That’s how long he’s been in love with Ryan. It’s not a Summer love, weak in the knees, Kryptonite around the neck love. It’s the other kind, the kind that sneaks up on you and then grows and grows until you can’t imagine anything else. It’s a thousand different moments.

“And Summer? And Anna?”

“Well, Oliver was crazy and you couldn’t decide between Marissa and Theresa so I decided that maybe I’d put myself out of my misery and try and find someone who wasn’t driving me insane,” he replies harshly. “And in the end, I hurt Summer, I hurt Anna and you left. So I couldn’t stay in this place any longer.”

He couldn’t see Ryan everywhere. Ryan’s eyes are so very wide, it’s painful to see. Like he isn’t sure he wants to hear this. And Seth understands something then that he didn’t before. Ryan is it for him. More than anything with Summer. Seth sees now why it was easier to want her from afar, why it was easier pining for her. Then he’d never have to see her say no. Never have to see that he wasn’t everything to her. Like now.

“Why did you tell me?” Ryan asks. Seth shakes his head, squeezes his eyes shut. He wishes he could rewind this night, paste on a smile, go into that party and not get upset at Marissa pawing Ryan.

“Luke convinced me when you came to Portland to get me,” he says simply. Seth remembers Ryan at the door out of nowhere and Luke urging him on to tell Ryan, to take the time and *try*. Once he realised Ryan was staying, he did try until Ryan was in his bed and Ryan was *his*. And he thought everything was finally perfect.

“Oh.”

It’s as good an epitaph for their relationship as any, Seth thinks when he walks away from Ryan.

\---  
Ryan lets Seth go.

He watches him walk away, part of him dying with each step.

Angry words, angry words have been running through his head all night, an incessant stream thundering in his head.

Seth is in love with him. Seth’s been in love with him for longer than Ryan’s loved him in return. The familiar weight of it, of expectation, weighs down on him. Sends him stumbling back until he hits a deckchair and he sits down.

Seth loves him. Through Marissa and Theresa and *everything* Seth’s been in love with him. Ryan breathes raggedly. He loves Seth, he does, but Seth’s love is more, it’s consuming. Seth would never have said anything, he knows that. If he hadn’t shown up in Portland, Seth would never have said anything. Not about Oliver, or loving Ryan.

Ryan would never have known. That is the single most frightening thing in his life. It makes him shudder, his chest constricting painfully. He would never have known.

But he did, and after, when they were home and it was just Seth and him, it happened. They happened and, for once in his life, Ryan didn’t think too much. Just went with it, with Seth and he made it easy to love him. Seth didn’t ask anything of Ryan and he took whatever Ryan could give. Even waiting until Ryan was ready before he said anything about love.

And Ryan isn’t close to understanding Seth and love. He presses the heels of his hands against his eyes, the night flashing by moment by moment, their fighting, accusing him of lying and he *hurt* Seth. He’s been doing it for months now. He just didn’t see.  
\---  
Kirsten and Sandy are already up when he appears in the kitchen the next day. He spent the night on the deckchair, his mind racing until he fell asleep. When he awoke all he could think of was Seth.

“Morning,” he grunts before he heads for the stairs, to Seth’s room.

“He’s gone.”

Kirsten’s voice is soft, apologetic and it stops him immediately.

“What? When?” Ryan croaks afraid for a moment she means he’s gone. For good.

“Luke picked him up half an hour ago,” Sandy offers. “They didn’t say where they were going.”

Ryan stumbles back into the kitchen before he realises they’re waiting for an explanation. He has no idea where to begin. He seeks salvation in coffee, but they’re there, waiting and his insides are churning. He even manages to sit down, despite the weight of their gazes on him. They’re good at this waiting thing.

“Did he say when he’d be back?” Ryan asks, forcing the words past his tight throat.

“No, he didn’t say. He said he’d call later,” Sandy replies, peering at him now over the top of his paper. Kirsten isn’t as subtle, concern radiating from her.

“The party got a little out of hand,” Ryan says, the confession rushing out of him.

“We figured,” Kirsten says sympathetically.

“Marissa got drunk, she passed out.”

“Ah,” Kirsten says, and Sandy puts down his paper. She looks at her husband before she pounces.

“Did you know she was drinking again?”

“Yes,” he replies softly.

“Did Seth?”

“Yes. But she said she’d stop,” he tries in Seth’s defense. “That’s why I convinced him not to say anything.” She said she’d stop every time he picked her up drunk, spoke to her on the phone, piecing together her slurred words and she *said* she’d stop. He wanted to believe her.

“Last night, we...I didn’t know how much worse things are,” he says. He should have known.

“And what? You thought she’d quit on her own? Without help?”

“I thought she wanted to bad enough this time,” he says, wincing against Sandy’s words, at the disappointment in his voice. He did think she could, he wanted to think that she could. She asked him to believe that and he thought he owed her that.

“Sandy...” Kirsten admonishes him.

“And Seth?” Sandy prods him after visibly taking a breath.

“It’s my fault I think,” Ryan admits. “We had a fight yesterday...and I didn’t understand ... stuff.” It’s a wonderfully vague explanation that earns a look of disbelief from Sandy and some sympathy from Kirsten at least. It’s all he has to give. Ryan gulps down a spoonful of cereal so he doesn’t have to say anything more. He feels like a prisoner at his last meal with them looking at him like that. Then Sandy slides the comic section over to him and Ryan breathes a little easier. He sits back and the waiting begins.  
\---  
Waits and waits.

Ryan stares at the front door until he’s sure he can see through it. Even Xbox isn’t a distraction as he dies painfully onscreen one time after another and why won’t Seth come home?   
\---  
Seth, when he wants to be, is a master at disappearing. It helps too that he doesn’t come home until after midnight and goes straight to his room. Ryan watches from the poolhouse until Seth’s room is dark. A day filled with messages on Seth’s cell phone and all he gets is a message from Sandy when Seth calls *his* cell phone to say he’ll be home late. Never mind that he knows Sandy was going to be working at home all day, Seth calls his *cell phone* and Ryan can take a hint when he wants to. He can also ignore it too.

He’s ready the next day though, up early waiting for Seth. Unfortunately so is Julie. She sweeps into the house and starts ranting while Ryan tries desperately to watch for Seth coming downstairs.

“You left her passed out on the couch,” Julie says for the fifth time. He barely hears her, he’s too focused on Seth, suddenly just there. Watching them.

“Julie, calm down, Summer was there,” Kirsten tries, but Julie rolls her eyes at that. Turns instead unerringly to Seth and looks him up and down dismissively.

“Well, if it isn’t the other half of this healthy relationship...did you know she was drinking again?”

“Julie, that’s enough,” Kirsten interrupts sharply.

“You’re her mother, did you know?”

Seth’s voice is calm, eerily so and Julie’s eyes widen comically at his words. There’s the sound of a horn from outside and Seth comes to life at the sound.

“That’s Luke, I’ve got to go.”

And he does.

“Luke,” Julie squeaks. “When did he get back? And why is your son getting into any car with him?”

Julie looks at Ryan pointedly, and it makes him cringe. A beat before hope blooms on her face and Ryan really doesn’t want to know why.

“They’re friends,” Kirsten says, stressing the last word, spinning Julie away from Ryan. “And my sons? Aren’t up for discussion any longer.”

Julie looks at her in surprise, and Ryan braces himself because Julie, is well...Julie.

“Fine...your children are your business,” she allows and just about manages to make that sound civil. Just about. “Marissa is mine, and your sons should have told me she was drinking again.”

“No,” Ryan interrupts quietly. “I should have told you. This has nothing to do with Seth.”

That puts her off balance, and Kirsten takes the opportunity to herd her into the kitchen. Ryan takes his chance and rushes for the phone, dialing quickly.

“Tell me you know where Seth is. Luke picked him up again,” he says when Sandy picks up.

“No, but I can find out,” Sandy replies. “Give me half an hour.”

Ryan hangs up and sits down with the phone in his hands. Finally.  
\---  
Luke.  
For a heartbeat Ryan is genuinely afraid of Luke. He waits an eternity until Luke steps aside.

“Cohen, visitor,” he yells into the apartment. Ryan jumps at that before Luke yanks him inside.

“For the record, he talked about you the entire time in Portland,” Luke says softly. “And you’re welcome here any time.”

Ryan stares at him while Luke grins at his surprise, turning back to the apartment.

“Cohen! Visitor!”

Ryan is sure the neighbors heard that one. There’s an ominous series of thumps from one of the rooms. It looks to be a small place – two bedrooms, living room, kitchen. Another door is firmly shut with boxes marked ‘bathroom’ in front of the door. Not Luke’s handwriting either. A vase of white roses stands on the living room table, an oasis of calm in the chaos around it.

“Cohen!” Luke yells again and this time there’s a definite squeal before Seth comes running out trying to avoid someone behind him.

“Ryan!”

Anna laughs in delight, before Ryan finds himself enveloped in a hug. Seth is the one that lingers to one side awkwardly.

“You’re here,” Ryan says in wonder, wrapping his arms around her. She smells like jasmine, the scent tugging at the faint memory he has of the scent...on Seth, not her, though.

“Yeah, way to spoil the surprise,” she laughs. “You’re not supposed to know, not yet anyway.”

“When did you get back?” Ryan asks, glancing quickly at Seth, but his boyfriend is staring fixedly at his feet.

“Yesterday, hence the mess. These two are supposed to help me unpack,” she says. Luke grins sunnily at that while Seth just shrugs.

“We don’t take orders well,” Luke explains.

“You’re living here with Luke?” Ryan asks just so he can hear it out loud.

“Hey!” Luke sputters, but Anna smiles. Ryan thinks Luke is in trouble already.

“Cohen is really convincing when he wants to be, even over the internet.”

“And me,” Luke pipes up.

“And you,” Anna allows. It occurs to Ryan that Luke is entirely concentrated on Anna.

“I should tell you that Julie knows you’re back,” Ryan says, snapping his fingers. Luke winces, while Anna smiles slowly. Wickedly.

“Don’t start,” Luke warns her as she backs away from him slowly. Yelps and runs and Luke follows her into the bedroom. There’s a wild peal of laughter before something else bangs inside the room.

“Are they together?” he asks in wonder.

“Maybe,” Seth replies. “Luke is interested. Anna is playing it safe. For now.”

“So, you play matchmaker over the internet?”

Weak, weak stupid joke even though Seth smiles thinly.

“I should probably tell you I got an acceptance letter from USC last week.”

“Last week?” Ryan echoes, trying to absorb Seth’s words. Fear threading through him now, because whatever’s coming, it sounds final. He knows Seth was interested in that school’s writing program, but he hadn’t thought about it much more than that. Obviously Seth has, if he’s already got his acceptance letter, it means he sent that one out before all the others. Seth shrugs too easily and Ryan’s heart beats a little faster.

“Yeah, I was waiting to see where you’d get in before I said anything,” he says.

“And now?”

“Now...I think I’m going to accept the offer...” Seth says before his voice trails off into nothing. And Ryan is scared.

“Are we breaking up?”

The words rush out of him, too much to keep in. Ryan needs to know, because he’s thought about it too but he never really thought that it would come to *this*. Seth isn’t answering him.

“Seth?”

“I don’t know,” Seth whispers, his eyes downcast. Silence stretches between them even though Seth’s words are something to hold on to.

“I’m sorry,” Ryan tries. The wrong words because Seth is retreating from him, almost stumbling over a box.

“Yeah, I know,” Seth replies. “Doesn't change much though, does it?”

“It’s changed,” Ryan interrupts. “Seth, please.”

Ryan steps close to him now and kisses him hard. Desperately, but Seth doesn’t, isn’t doing anything. Until Ryan stops.

“Between you and Marissa and me and Oliver, we have quite the relationship don’t we?”

“There is no me and Marissa,” Ryan replies quickly. The other still hurts but Ryan pushes it away. It doesn’t matter. He can make it not matter.

“Okay, you know what, I can’t take this anymore. Let’s get this over with,” Seth says abruptly, pushing past Ryan. He spins around and his chin tilts defiantly.

“I don’t...”

“I know you Ryan,” he interrupts, smiling harshly. Oliver, of course this is about Oliver.

“You *do* want to know.”

“I don’t care,” Ryan tries, but Seth isn’t persuaded.

“It started at the concert, Rooney remember? You were running after Marissa and Oliver was getting high in the men’s room...”

“Seth...” Ryan begs, closing his eyes at the onslaught of images crashing through his head. Seth and Oliver *together*, limbs knotted, kissing...

“Right...” Seth nods, like he expects nothing less. “When you don’t look so disgusted with me, we’ll talk.”

“Then why?” Ryan snaps. “Why him? Some drugged-out jerk...”

Ryan bites back the rest of those words when Seth laughs at him coldly.

“Right, like I was saying, you get the drunk and I get the drugged out jerk...”

“I don’t understand!”

Seth flinches and Ryan realises he’s screaming.

“I don’t understand,” Ryan says again, this time trying hard to keep his voice even. “You knew what I thought about...”

“Yeah, I did,” Seth admits cutting him off. “But this wasn’t about you. I kissed him back, Ryan. I had enough to deal with without worrying if that was going to send you running for the hills.”

“Then after, why didn’t you tell me then?” Ryan asks.

“This is why,” Seth replies, “this argument that isn’t going to end. Ever.”

“It’s done, it’s finished,” Ryan replies quickly. “I don’t care.”

Silence now, before Seth speaks, his words small.

“He never wanted anything from me, not like Summer or Anna. It was just me. I could kiss him back and he made it not matter that I did. I wish I could give you a profound explanation that would make sense, but that’s all I have.”

Seth looks as surprised at his confession as Ryan is. He shrugs weakly. Whatever it was, Ryan doesn’t care. What he does care about is that he wasn’t there for his best friend. Instead he was locked in his never-ending dance with Marissa, trying to save her from herself. He didn’t even notice Seth and Oliver in their own world. He’s never going to know everything, not exactly why Seth went to Oliver after that. It leaves him hollow not knowing everything, but he’ll deal. If Seth is still in his life, he can deal with anything.

“So...okay,” he says quietly, his heart beating fast. Seth frowns at him clearly surprised. Ryan loves it when he does that to him.

“Okay?”

“Yeah,” Ryan nods and takes Seth’s hand in his. He doesn’t pull away, but stands their looking at their linked hands.

“That’s it?” Seth asks suspiciously. But he’s not taking his hand away.

“I’d honestly like it to be,” Ryan says earnestly. “It...he doesn’t matter. Marissa doesn’t matter. I won’t let this...us...go because of *them*.”

“Cohen, you guys done yet?”

Luke’s voice booms through the apartment suddenly. Seth closes his eyes in exasperation.

“He told you where I was right?”

“Sandy called your phone, but Luke picked up. He told Sandy, Sandy told me,” Ryan replies.

“I thought I left the phone in the car,” Seth murmurs, smiles and draws Ryan’s hand up and kisses his wrist quickly. Ryan breathes out a ragged sound. He finds his knees are weak just from that.

“Cohen!”

“I dunno, you done molesting Anna yet?” Seth yells back. An indignant “hey” echoes in the apartment followed by some muffled laughter.

“Cohen, don’t say that.”

Seth shakes his head before he tears off into the bedroom.

“Cannonball!”

“Seth no!”

Twin shouts of horror echo in the bedroom before it becomes laughter that fills the apartment. Curling around him, making him feel safe, Seth’s laughter beckons and Ryan follows.  
\---  
Every superhero has to have a grand life or death confrontation. With lots of innocents in the middle, it’s in the rulebook or something. Ryan can’t escape it. Seth watches Marissa make her way through the party to them. He’s pretty okay with ignoring her, but apparently she isn’t. Her heels clicking on the deck ominously like the sound of impending doom and Seth wants to yell at all the innocent partygoers around them to run! They knew she’d be here. Holly’s party that Summer insisted they come to. They’re here with Luke and Anna. Luke’s entire focus is still Anna, no matter how many times Holly falls out of her top in front of him.

Marissa is closer now and Seth stands his ground. Sidekicks stick around, provide back up and come up with the last minute solution to save the hero. Most times. Seth wishes he’d mentioned the ignoring part to Ryan before coming here. They both knew this was inevitable at some point. She should be used to the ignoring by now. Ryan hasn’t been taking her calls for weeks. Last they heard, Jimmy and Julie had shipped her off to rehab.

There’s a paper cup in her hand.

Of course the rehab must have worked wonders.

She puts it down on a table as she passes.

“Hi,” she greets them softly, eyes darting this way and that until Ryan returns the greeting and then the whole world melts away and it’s just Marissa and Ryan and the echo of a single word between them.

Hi. That’s all.

Surprise flickering over her face now, before it’s gone.

“I tried to call you...” she says, glances at Seth suspiciously. But it’s not him. Ryan’s got every one of her messages, he just hasn’t been returning her calls.

“I know,” Ryan replies simply. She looks like she’s expecting him to say more, but the silence stretches and she hurries to cover it up.

“I’m staying with my dad again,” she mumbles. Ryan doesn’t say anything and she flounders in the deep well of silence before she realises Ryan isn’t going to rescue her.

“I guess I’ll see you guys around,” she says finally.

“I hope things work out for you,” Ryan says finally. Seth grunts something similar, and she smiles thinly in acknowledgment before she’s gone. As epic battles go, Seth figures it’s not so bad.

“What?” Ryan demands smiling at him. It’s an easy-going smile, an infectious smile that Seth can’t help but return.

“I was just thinking it’s time for the happily ever after part,” he replies.

“Finally,” Ryan murmurs in agreement before he leans in and kisses him.


End file.
